f a c t s

Ok... there we go.. lately I’ve been thinking about facts: Things that you usually miss 'cause they're just there every day. I think there are times in which you just take all for granted and that it is a usual thing to happen with humans, you get used to something, to someone, and you merely care about doing something special, or enjoy let’s say, that person or that moment since you think..- well, tomorrow is coming and I’ll have time. Time goes away and what you’re living, you wont relive. That is a fact, the first one.

Going back a few months ago, I see myself taking too much for granted: Health, job, family, friends… even time. I just missed to see what was in front of my eyes. I had everything and right now is not that I've lost it, but it all fits differently somehow. I miss mom. That’s the second fact. I miss her too much and it affects me more than anything else right now. And it’s all about her: Her laugh, her short hair, that beautiful smile, the total strength, the huge spirit and her lovely soul, so though and so caring at the same time.

- So.. are we still up for dinner?-….-Oh.. no.. I… I have a lot of things to go through and this is the only time that I have available [lie]- . Fact is I no longer find joy in things I just to love, it feels wrong. Grieving is a painful process and I try my best to stand up to it and to own it, because at the end I know it should be over in what? A few days? Months?... I really don’t know at this point. I wish I could read between the lines and find a shortcut… of course it’s not that easy.

Feeling like this, so not in control, is so unlike me. I hate it and I love it at the same time. I love feeling like at some points I’m overcoming this terrible feeling of loneliness but I hate the fact that after all, I’m growing up in such a hurry and in such a difficult circumstances that sometimes it’s just not fair. Taking over the house, some of the parenting, dealing with unfinished business and on top of all, dealing with her empty room sometimes feels too heavy on me. In particular the empty bedroom is the one that hurts the most.

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this…We were supposed to end up old and grumpy … but together, me taking care of her after more than 50 years going through life experiences. It happened sooner than expected. I took care of her but we left most of our plan pending. It totally sucks to see how everything is now left unfinished, so disappointing. It’s just hard for me to settle for less than I expected. Less time than I counted with… less advices and stupid inside jokes that would completely light up my day. I need all of it, I was accustomed to every little piece of it. Now it is all gone. Gone and it’s not coming back, which leads me to the third and final thought: She taught me good. She helped me build my character in ways that only now I’m able to sort out. Yes, she lighted up my days and helped me find my own way to enlighten others. She was, is and will always be THAT great to me. Mom, I love you sooooooo much!

¿Como estas?

- Aló?
- Hola hija [Yolan, mona,niña, corazon]... habla tu [amiga, prima,tia, tio, primo, vecina] ....
- Ahhh.. hola..¿que tal?
- Bien bien, aqui queriendo saber de uds...contame ¿Como estas?
- Estoy...[triste, cansada, harta, vacia, sola, triste por segunda vez, lista para no seguir, callada, sientiendo que mi vida nunca va a ser como antes, con calor y con frio, sintiendome fuerte y luego demasiado debil, sin ganas de levantarme en la manana, con ganas que no llegue la manana, sin hambre, cansada de ver pero con ganas de no perderme nada, estoy con la necesidad de una larga pausa, con ganas de ser yo otra vez pero solo no tengo fuerza, con los ojos irritados, con el corazon hecho pedazos, extrañandola, estoy....] ....mmm....mas tranquila....Gracias por estar pendiente.... ¿Contame y que has hecho tu?

...is just feeling like too much right now.

I find myself crying in the middle of the night... thinking that i just can´t handle it.... I just CAN'T haddle it.... i start to doubt myself and on top of everything i find myself questioning my own decisions... it all hurts... to walk, to eat, to remember... it all hurts.... it is true what the song says... I`ve had my fair share of take cares and goodbyes... this last one just blew what was left of my strenght away. My heart is just feeling too much right now.

How am I supposed to take it? How am I supposed to move on when one of the most important souls in my life is no longer around . Yes... when that person is gone.... The grown up person, the responsible one, the one who is suppose to love me without condition... the one who could always help me somehow... the one that I love back in such an uneven proportion because she started to love me without even knowing how I was to turn up like... and so uneven because I felt her love in so many ways that just fell short on loving her back. I miss her. All of her. Every little piece of her.