f a c t s

Ok... there we go.. lately I’ve been thinking about facts: Things that you usually miss 'cause they're just there every day. I think there are times in which you just take all for granted and that it is a usual thing to happen with humans, you get used to something, to someone, and you merely care about doing something special, or enjoy let’s say, that person or that moment since you think..- well, tomorrow is coming and I’ll have time. Time goes away and what you’re living, you wont relive. That is a fact, the first one.

Going back a few months ago, I see myself taking too much for granted: Health, job, family, friends… even time. I just missed to see what was in front of my eyes. I had everything and right now is not that I've lost it, but it all fits differently somehow. I miss mom. That’s the second fact. I miss her too much and it affects me more than anything else right now. And it’s all about her: Her laugh, her short hair, that beautiful smile, the total strength, the huge spirit and her lovely soul, so though and so caring at the same time.

- So.. are we still up for dinner?-….-Oh.. no.. I… I have a lot of things to go through and this is the only time that I have available [lie]- . Fact is I no longer find joy in things I just to love, it feels wrong. Grieving is a painful process and I try my best to stand up to it and to own it, because at the end I know it should be over in what? A few days? Months?... I really don’t know at this point. I wish I could read between the lines and find a shortcut… of course it’s not that easy.

Feeling like this, so not in control, is so unlike me. I hate it and I love it at the same time. I love feeling like at some points I’m overcoming this terrible feeling of loneliness but I hate the fact that after all, I’m growing up in such a hurry and in such a difficult circumstances that sometimes it’s just not fair. Taking over the house, some of the parenting, dealing with unfinished business and on top of all, dealing with her empty room sometimes feels too heavy on me. In particular the empty bedroom is the one that hurts the most.

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this…We were supposed to end up old and grumpy … but together, me taking care of her after more than 50 years going through life experiences. It happened sooner than expected. I took care of her but we left most of our plan pending. It totally sucks to see how everything is now left unfinished, so disappointing. It’s just hard for me to settle for less than I expected. Less time than I counted with… less advices and stupid inside jokes that would completely light up my day. I need all of it, I was accustomed to every little piece of it. Now it is all gone. Gone and it’s not coming back, which leads me to the third and final thought: She taught me good. She helped me build my character in ways that only now I’m able to sort out. Yes, she lighted up my days and helped me find my own way to enlighten others. She was, is and will always be THAT great to me. Mom, I love you sooooooo much!

¿Como estas?

- Aló?
- Hola hija [Yolan, mona,niña, corazon]... habla tu [amiga, prima,tia, tio, primo, vecina] ....
- Ahhh.. hola..¿que tal?
- Bien bien, aqui queriendo saber de uds...contame ¿Como estas?
- Estoy...[triste, cansada, harta, vacia, sola, triste por segunda vez, lista para no seguir, callada, sientiendo que mi vida nunca va a ser como antes, con calor y con frio, sintiendome fuerte y luego demasiado debil, sin ganas de levantarme en la manana, con ganas que no llegue la manana, sin hambre, cansada de ver pero con ganas de no perderme nada, estoy con la necesidad de una larga pausa, con ganas de ser yo otra vez pero solo no tengo fuerza, con los ojos irritados, con el corazon hecho pedazos, extrañandola, estoy....] ....mmm....mas tranquila....Gracias por estar pendiente.... ¿Contame y que has hecho tu?

...is just feeling like too much right now.

I find myself crying in the middle of the night... thinking that i just can´t handle it.... I just CAN'T haddle it.... i start to doubt myself and on top of everything i find myself questioning my own decisions... it all hurts... to walk, to eat, to remember... it all hurts.... it is true what the song says... I`ve had my fair share of take cares and goodbyes... this last one just blew what was left of my strenght away. My heart is just feeling too much right now.

How am I supposed to take it? How am I supposed to move on when one of the most important souls in my life is no longer around . Yes... when that person is gone.... The grown up person, the responsible one, the one who is suppose to love me without condition... the one who could always help me somehow... the one that I love back in such an uneven proportion because she started to love me without even knowing how I was to turn up like... and so uneven because I felt her love in so many ways that just fell short on loving her back. I miss her. All of her. Every little piece of her.

Here and now

Where should I begin?.... Oh..right!.. I'm not really feeling ok.

Things are not exactly how I expected them to be... It all tastes bittersweet... Yes.. It starts with C... there it goes.. Can-cer.....Damn it... Now is here.. now it's real... Who is to blame? This is where it makes sense.... yes that saying that goes.. The night gets even darker right before sunrise.... It is really getting darker and darker and I'm trying my very best to keep shinning but it is really tiring... Where should I turn to? I have faith in my heart and I know mom its going to be ok but I wish I could spare her all the pain and sorrow... This is the definite line where men kind becomes helpless.. this is the frontier and miracle land no longer seems a dream. Because I believe.. I believe. Right now i'm in the position where what I want is not possible, but live what I have in front of me is the only option. This is the hardest test ever and sometimes my strength tends to hide and tears come out instead. I believe this is only a transitory phase.. I believe when they say she’s going to be fine.. I believe things will be alright even if I have to reconstruct everything from the very first stone. "Yolan.. you're just avoiding the situation".. "Yolan why is it that nobody can see you crying" This is me asking you to keep your distance and stop asking questions that would only take time from me... I don't need you to tell me how I’m supposed to feel.. to act.. I'm managing one day at the time and doubt would only generate doubt. I picture us like before it all happened... I want to celebrate birthdays and xmas together Can I have that please? I don’t want to lose her and certainly I don't want her to feel week... I need this to happen... I don’t really know how long it's going to take but I know it is happening... Please God please don't take her from me....She’s my rock my stone my inspiration..I´m just a baby and I need my mom..... Please don't take her from me ´cause it would hurt so so so much and I know I can deal with it but I’m not ready to go through it... My heart still aches, my body still aches for those you already took... I still need her direction.. I know there are a lot of things I need to show her, she needs to feel proud and taste the glory of my achievements... Please don't take her...I know I have to accept your plan.. It is already written... I know that you have your reasons but please provide me with the strength I need to help her and support her....

and to you, yes.. you Cancer... YOU¨RE NOT TAKING MY MOTHER AWAY FROM ME!... This is the moment when I'm declaring you the war.. YOU ARE NOT TAKING HER FROM US!.... you may cause her pain, you may cause us all pain, but God is on our side, He’s playing for my team and you're going down!.

Cannonball into the water [for you i will by teddy geiger]

im gonna muster every ounce of confidence i have .. cannonball
into the water,
for you i will.. FOR YOU I WILL ...

Ahhh.. ese primer amor.. quiero escribir acerca de eso, porque quiero recordar que quedan cosas buenas, o bien que hubo en algun momento algo o alguien que me hizo creer que si se puede llegar a ese estado o de puro enamoramiento or full stupidity....What can i possibly say about it?....
The initial rush of hormones, the excitement of spending just a couple minutes with that particular person. What am I gonna wear!? …. I need to get my hair done! Gosh….GOD! I forgot to brush my teeth!.. You go back, get everything done and ready and the moment comes and you get to spend a couple minutes, that become hours, with that particular one [that at this point no longer has a name or location] and you feel so so so happy like you´ve never been before. EVER… you just want to jump right into it.
Things evolve and then you want to risk more, you let your guard down and then you´re susceptible to every emotion that comes and goes both ways.
There was a time when I truly believed that this one person could move me inside with just a couple of words, and make me think that my whole world was changing. So young and so naïve, but I knew that happiness that comes from love. I did. I don’t regret it and thinking about it gives me a fresh wave of wind.
This song, for you I will, provoked me to think about those years of my life, they were awesome, i enjoyed them to the fullest, i know.. you can´t actually control how things end, but those times were good times while it lasted.

Of course, Im aware that what is done, is done and over. I can’t turn back time, but it is just a reminder that once it was all true, that once this heart was capable of beating along to something different than my own pulse.

TIC - TAC - TOC

Sentada frente a la pc me he puesto a pensar en lo mucho q me siento independiente y delo mucho q no me lo estoy creyendo en este momento...
Que esta pasando?.. Bueno.. pasandoME otra vez siento hber chocado contra una pared... Quiero querer lo que estoy queriendo...ehh.. mas claro... quiero q mi corazoncito quiera mas lo que mi cabeza considera lo mas correcto.. que pasa?.. que ME pasa? Quiero.. y bueno.. necesito una luz en este momento. ¿Por qué todo se tiene q complicar de esta manera?... Quiero q mis decisiones me afecten solo a mi.. solo a mi y a nadie mas.. pero en este momento lo encuentro simplemente imposible..¿Por qué todo tiene que parecer tan dificil en este momento?...Decir si a algo q por mucho de lo que paso es ahora un no rotundo...olvidarse de ser egoista cuando es lo mas justo ser egoista por un momento..y en mi cabeza un reloj tic-tac-toc.. tic-tac-toc...Yolan esto es ya. No puede esperar.
Quiero cortar de tajo mucho de lo que siento... quiero que esos sentimientos y emociones se evaporen y se los lleve el viento de la lluvia q aun no cae. Quiero....quiero q llueva ya.

what is going on?....What is going on?.. i've come around the idea of writting...A lot has happened.. I myself have changed... I've got this idea in my head for starters i thought my life after all changes lately was exactly what i wanted and i thought i was confortable but i don't think i am anymore...i feel like it is too much...i'd rather just clam back to how i was when i was 13...absolutly no expectations about what is supposed to happen..ahhhhhh!!!....it's been a rollercoaster of emotions.. in fact everything.. all of it is way too new or maybe i'm just too naive and can't deal with having this much...Where's friendship?...Why is that people can't just be friends?.. Why is there always a catch to it? It has lost its meaning.. Why does it have to be all or nothing? I need alone time...Yolan.. go into the bubble!..